oh gawd, so now i'm feeling insecure with the security guard.
god dammit!!!

i'm so scared so so so scared..
especially now that i've gone out of shape, out of my mind, out of what i used to be..
i'm so frustrated with myself why in the world did this happen??
so it's like that now.. and what if we were to finally part one day.
will i be able to take the blow?

oh shucks.
and he is at work right now.
i hope she does not take any advancements towarda my man.
he is mine for a reason..
or many many million reasons.
oh how construed this judgement of mine.

even the puff dun make the pain go away.
i hate this.
fuck you.

When the sun shines

We’ll shine together

Told you I'll be here forever

That I'll always be your friend

Took an oath Imma stick it out 'till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever

Know that we still have each other

You can stand under my Umbrella

You can stand under my Umbrella

(Ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella

(ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella

(ella ella eh eh eh)

Under my umbrella

(ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

this post is EXTREMELY random but i want to get it off my chest.

listen, I WANT A COSY BEDROOM WHICH HAS A SUPER KING SIZE BED, PREFERABLY 4 TIMES A KING SIZED BED, MANY CLOWN TOYS, VICTORIAN-STYLE LAMPSHADES WITH WARM LIGHTS, DARK COLOURED CURTAINS (HATE THE SUN), FULL-LENGTHED MIRRORS, A WINDOWSILL WITH MANYYYY CANDLES, AND A TOWERING ICECREAM CAKE!

WHAT I DON'T WANT IN MY BEDROOM, A PHONE, A BLARDY ALARM CLOCK, DUST, MOSQUITOES, THINGS THAT DON'T BELONG TO ME, AGING CARCASSES, WATER, DEAD SKIN, CALENDAR, ANY TECHNOLOGICAL DEVICES, BLACK WIRES, PAPER, ANYTHING WITH WHEELS, MAGAZINES, STATIONERY, HAIR (FROM WHATEVER PART OF THE BODY..).

hmmm, it's past my bedtime.i have very happy neighbours. =)good night.

ok, it has been a looong time.
and i think i'm just blogging for the sake of blogging now.
reason being i don't feel anything much these days to even blog about it.
freaking life.
and i'm just living it.
i'm bored!!!!
i have a job but it has not commenced yet.
yea, damn fun being a festival assistant and an liaison officer.
getting so engaged in the arts fest 07!
yay!
ok...not working..
i'm here trying to sound so spurred on and ready to take on the challenge and my brain is telling me to just give it up..
Bay give it up, give it up..Baby give it up..
On a happier note, if i were to go clubbing this wed, i'll be super delighted.LOL.
omg!ok,i think my mood meter is going up now!
Whahahahahaa!!!
WOOT!
Cos i thought of the last ladies' night i went with alyy and ct.
That was real clubbing alright...
And that was where i met Theodric and Robin. 2 guys who were protective and damn fun to club with. And then there was Orey and Den..both ct's dance partners.
Alyy danced with robin and i was left with the super annoying theodric who had wayyyyyyyy too many comments.LOL.
ok, too much info.
gtg. hahaha.
till the next time, ciao!

hahaha. What can i do but to laugh and cry smultaneously..

it takes quite a bit of insanity to do that..

yea, it was sunday.The day EMO struck me.

and i feel down...really down...and i have been crying uncontrollably for no dubious reasons..

i cry when i'm eating..doing my work..when i come home..before i go to bed and even when i wake up. That's like super active tear ducts...

it feels really shitty lah!

and i hug traffic light posts on my way home.

Thinking that they're my only companion.

Sometimes i really develop feelings for these cold steel structures that stand motionlessly.

I thank them for being there for me. =)

and then i know i have to get home thus the temporary separtion from the light posts..

I force myself to sprint and cry at the same time.

it makes you super uncomfortable and squeezes your lungs.so i can cry even more.

for some moments, i feel alleviated from my emotional problems..

but it all comes back....

after some time..

and fuck jealousy! =( and being made use of!

HATE IT!

FUCK IT!

i need to get back to my essay.oh yes, dinner first..it's 2355..DAMN!

just LOOK at my desktop.

yes, i need to escape someway or another.

Amidst the hell-like schedule with deadlines accelerating towards me. period's here. and i'm recovering from sorethroat, flu and blocked nose..can get really cranky and emotional..especially when i'm missing my sweetheart. and i'm tearing up every few hours..

i feel like people around me have been under lots of emotional and mental stress or unhappiness and somehow it accumulates and i have to be the one absorbing all that unwieldy offscourings. I'm not complaining but for my closer girlfriends..it might be due to the pheromones..and that all our periods come at the same time...thus the increased frequency and magnitude of mood-swings and it's unprecedentness. ARGH..and for my family, it could be the pent-up frustrations. I don't mind lending an ear (in fact, both ears!)to all they have to say but please don't vent your anger on me. Please don't take it upon me. I view them as hazardous material on my road to self-healing..

I wonder is it easy for them to express something they're unhappy, sad or worried about to someone who's close to them. Is it normal? How do you even cry in front of someone? I wonder if they do feel better after they do it. Then i start to think about why i don't have a history of confiding my innermost feelings even to my closest loved ones. Maybe that's why i don't usually talk about anything unhappy about my life. I keep them all within me. And if you have the key to unlock those thick heavy chains that weigh my spirit down, i will pour my sorrows and you'll realise i haven't been introducing the real me all these while.. How can i not be FAKE then?! Even if tears are concerned, i have always wept in silence..

Mary, thank you for the talk you wanted to have with me..I felt better now that your opinion of me has changed. It's not that i have no interests in the arts and that i'm just a student that doesn't bother. Thank you for hearing me out. Thank you for asking me if something was wrong. For asking me if i had something troubling me. For being concerned. For treating me as a friend.

you could be right about me...i don't know yet. do you really think my expectations for myself are very high?

The weekend has been a very engaging one with someone special..Thank you for taking care of me when i was sick..for the stroll to the playground. slow dance so that i felt better. candle lights treatment for the vexed soul. You really surprise and cheer me up with the sweetest things you do. =)

Thank you for being open with me about the problems we face. And no, AGAIN. I do not feel obligated. At least it wouldn't be the word to describe how i feel. I do love you..Please understand that my dear.

Yes, i know that the previous entry was indeed very long. Hahaha. But i had fun typing it. Guess what! Today i bought the White Chocolate Macadamia Cake! (yea, that's the name of it..at Secret Recipe) So happy! I dabao-ed it back home to share with my mum and 2 brothers. And i can confidently proclaim that i enjoyed it the most. hahaha! They thought i shouldn't have spent $4.90 on a post-baked mixture of butter,dough,sugar and eggs. Hey! Don't you think they forgot something? There's white chocolate and macamia nuts in it as well lorh! And it has to be refrigerated too..pffft! heehee..anyhow, i like my yummy uber sweet cake! =))))) sugar-loving!

Oh ya, i bought contact lens solution at last! And also cleared my debt to Kenneth Loo Family Clinic! hahaha. I owed them $2 for the last consultation. =P

Oh ya i almost forgot! Today after the proj meeting at NLB. I wanted to go home liao so cut thru Raffles City Shopping Centre. While I was striding at 3.3steps/sec, I saw my senior.. Erm Nathaniel Tan Kern Bai! Wah lao, he damn thick-skinned lorh! When i called out to him "nathaniel!" he looked at me as if i was some fan of his!! And trying to get to know and harass him...See what ming xin au xiang has done to him! And then, I had to list out how i was linked to him. NYJC-27th-(and he still can't figure out)-Cai Wen? And he stoned for like the longest time ever..and suddenly said! Oh the very toot one! OMG!!! He seriously gets on my nerves man.. si-two-peed!! RAWRRRR! Then he commented that i look really different.. Ok fine. I was going to strangle him already man.

Catched up a little. And went to Energy cos Nat wanted to get a bag..Took 25 minutes to decide..And ended up being lectured by me..Cos he was from COUNCIL! and yet he's so indecisive. Don't even know whether he should get a big bag or a small one..When he finally decided, (after taking in my brilliant suggestions), the bag was the last piece...LOL. And he demanded a new one..Wah liew some ppl can just throw $139 and receive such valuable and informed opinion about the bags just like that. JUST by saying "hey i need to go get a bag, you free right? Follow me." But i thought since the bag was not in stock at that moment, it was good, cos it might be an impulse buy and since it will take a whole week before the stock is replenished, he might as well go home and rethink about it. Anyways, he reserved it. I think the salesguy in the shop was quite pek-chek also..Like..SO INDECISIVE!

At least i came up with a good explanation on why guys shouldn't shop. Because they spend without thinking...ok they splurge! And they will occupy the shop space AND MIRROR for at least 15 minutes before deciding to get something that women can get at half the price! LOL. but that is for apparel. For food, i think......otherwise. (shall not degrade my gender) After that we went to breadtalk, to get his smart alec, which i exclaimed a second ago that i can't stand eating bread with funny names like SMART ALEC cos they make me choke on it!...haix..that tooot himself didn't even know what's in it lorh! Said it was Mustard...when it was Custard..HAHA! I got a fruittree fresh blackcurrant but he paid for it...saying he wanna share later... ER...ok, i don't mind as long as he doesn't..I have no idea how we chatted until the topic on surgeries in Korea. but it was time to go..and have dinner with my family. =) So farewell nat, was nice bumping into you.

Whoa, my mum was so sweet today. (Unknowingly) gave me a heart-shaped piece of fish meat! i got so amused and took a picture of it! =))))

PHISHY!

Oh mannn.. I've like finally broke through my oppressed state of being! (like the pic above is taken at TCC but it can be used to portray me breaking free from an asylum..you know padded walls) Ewww.. Thinking of it just makes me have those unpleasant and distasteful thoughts. Like how last week hasn't exactly been one that I would consider to be fruitful. Sick for 3 days. Been to the doctor's twice. Splurged on medicine and consultation. And getting attacked by 2 different viruses. It was stomach winds, constipation and gastric pains. And then just stomach winds and diarrhoea. Like ohhh-mai-gord! What's happening to the insides of me! Torn beneath this "healthy" exterior. Ya lah! Diet somemore.. Silly girl! ROARRR! Ok anyway, I'm like so addicted to the White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cake or is it White Chocolate Macadamia Cake..Erm, whatever the name of that delectable dessert, it definitely put a smile on my face! =) All thanks to Dawn Tan! Wheeeeeeeee! I'm going to have it again this week! I don't care!

Ok, talking abt the week ahead my plans seem to be all over the place. Like there's 2 project meetings on Monday which is like in 6 hours time...And I'm still awake cos I can't seem to sleep before 6am these days..And then I have to submit a few MCS to my very-suspecting lecturers.. =( I know they won't believe me. But anyway.. I can't bothered if they really want to speculate the matter. And then, I aim to do a draft for my technical rider by Wed so i can show Kenny.*Cross fingers* Hmm, and then I need to go down to Ubi to book for another TP test. That would be tentatively Tuesday. Thursday might have marketing presentation which would mean that on wed night gotta chiong out a ppt presentation. And through the week, better have a report writing meeting and get our survey up by end of this week. Questions would be vetted by Michele on Fri! OK. RP meeting during long break on Thursday. Ok, at this point of time, you all should be shouting to me and frantically waving you arms! "EH!! This friday is good friday! Public holiday! You won't have a clinic session with Michele!" Hahahahaa..Picture that.

Then I'll go.."oh ya hor............................................."

And be damn happy! Cos most probably I'll go St James with Chris! WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO! Oh happy days! Oh man.. I can't STILL BE sugar-high right? I had the cake like friday EVENING lorhhhhh...

But still cannot slack. So must pia for 4 days str8. Then friday take a breather! =)

Hmmm, ok amongst all the jubilation right..I think I need to talk abt the sad things as well..Like disheartening..DEPRESSING ones.

Wah Liao..I tell you ah my brother is damn horrible lorh..That older one lah.. Like he actually dared to question me regarding what I want to do in life lah! AS in, ok, I'm being too gentle with my words AND TONE! The way he asked has really crossed the line. It was obviously an insult to me and to doubt my capability of making decisions in life. And to assume that I have no idea what I'm doing now,no goals, no future.. That's like fucking humiliating lah! And that loser even went on to degrade my passion for the arts. Saying that I can go be a clown in the circus...Knowing very well that I like clowns (as they somehow relate to my life) and that I empathise with them. For that I didn't talk to him for 2 days. Until he agitated me again by telling me to wash my plate at dinner. Said it like an order. Like who the hell are you to instruct me to do whatever chapalang stuff lorh. And it's like...I will do the dishes even if you don't tell me. That guy ahhh..seriously...i tell you....GRRRR! And on Sat night he decided to be more physical. (haha, no lah..he didn't break my bones or whack my head off my shoulders)....he basically just use his disgusting fat feet to kick my ass. WAH LAO!! Angry like the giant in jack and the beanstalk when jack stole the goose, the golden eggs and the magical harp. I said "you don't have to kick me to get my attention what! Damn fucker!" And the next thing he did was to flick his toes near my face lah! OMG. Damn childish can? Freaking 23 liao still act as if he was 22. hahaha. when he was 22 he acted like 21. when he was 21 he acted as if he was 20..19.19.18.18.17.17.16.16.15.15.14.14.13.13.12.12.11.11.10.10.9.9.8.8.7.7.6.6.5.5.4.4.3.3.2.2.1.1.

0.0.-1.-1.-2.-2. He really is super childish that if age had a negativity to it..He would be like -ve infinity! ok, i shall stop if not the childish one wouldn't be him..but someone else. *gulps

On the same night, i got ambushed by the stupid msn virus lorh. the photoalbum.zip file. Haix. How..SUAY! Like rushing the designs for postcard and poster already then kena then couldn't discuss online with my partner.ying. And that sat afternoon i cried myself to sleep a long 5 hrs nap because my dad made me upset. He compared my studying attitude when i was in JC with that of my brothers in poly and jc respectively. And yea, I was judged and demoralised. So saturday has been my worse day ever in that week and probably in the month of march. I decided that i should leave civilisation and head to the land of EDELWEISS that sat night with my parents. No computer.No virus. No internet. No mails. No discussion. No older brother. No fat feet! heeheeheeheheeheee....

Swam for 30 minutes even though the pool was closed. Mum accompanied me to just watch me swim, as she relaxed and bathed in the moonlight. The getaway was followed by a refreshing bath and a lots of chocolates. I had more than 10 servings of rochers, butterfingers, mars, and meltykiss! Then mummy and i watched 4 hours of korean drama at the living room. Super shiok! hahaha, didn't do my work that i brought over. But was good bonding ok? We laughed damn alot until that night I couldn't sleep till 6am. I slept at the couch. APRIL! =)

Was awoken by dad rushing me to wake up and get ready to meet alyssa for our study session and united square. When i finally got up at 1030am. He said "ai yoh Cai Wen your eyelashes drop.(the fake ones lah which are glued for a mth.)" I immediately used a finger to check if it had really dropped off. At that instant, my dad laughed and exclaimed "April fool!" Like omg... LOL! Thanks ah! Just when i woke up! Now i know why my brother is chilldish...and ya, same goes for me. hahaha. So cute lorh..

yada yada yada...

went to velocity TCC instead. had all the yummy food and drinks below while doing some work. and also surfing the net on aly's lappie. i watched my favorite clip of paris je' taime again on it! yay! super funny! the mime one! (i guess i really like painted faces..maybe i was once a clown or something in my past life...)

Oreo cheesecake

Aly in deep thoughts in deciding if she should take out the mint leaf off he mint choc frappe.

TCC's exclusive Kahlua Salmon.

I remembered the last time Aly and I really indulged in TCC was in June a year ago. I ordered a whole cake of devil's chocolate for her when we were liaison officers for The Vegetable Orchestra. LOL. Was damn broke that time but yea, thought since I reco-ed the job to her..And it was coincidentally her bdae I had to make it a special one. So how's eating a damn sinful devil's choc cake with a group of awesome artistes who play on vegetables and a sweet friend at one of the dressing rooms in Jubilee Hall sound like? HAHAH!

We always find ourselves in the weirdest and most embarassing situations. And today was no exception. Eat and drink and talk and surf so much. Foot the bill that time. TCC don't accept NETS! She wanted to pay by her OCBC acct. But no OCBC atms around except at TTSH's 7-11. Don't look at me. I have 15 cash. she has 6. I have 4 plus in my POSB debit card! HOW!!!! I called most of my friends who i thought would have ibanking or was out and near a ATM. And she msged most of her friends on MSN to ask if they had ibanking. Worst thing was that it had to be 1st of april!!!!!!!!!!!Even the most gullible ones are on their guard.. hahaha. Even AMANDA thought we were joking. AMANDA!! Our dear dear dear friend!!! how can things get any worser! and it did. Both aly and i had to go to the toilet!!! Like super kan chiong already..LOL. I called Timmy my pri sch and online friend. OH MY! he was at suntec and he could reach the nearest atm in 15 minutes and so we found a savior!! hooray! wah like damn lucky lah. in the meantime, when i waited for Timmy to transfer to my acct so that i can pay with my debit, aly went to relieve herself. She came back realising there was a UOB bank beside the toilet and that she could actually draw money cos OCBC and UOB are interbankcd!...............ohh-kay.i thought it was only 5 minutes after Timmy volunteered to help so he must still be on the way. So alyssa went to withdraw just in case. When she came back, Timmy called to say he has transferred. Ok, double the moolahs now. Nvm..pay with alyssa's cash. She said don't like to owe ppl $.

Hmmm, so now you know the kind of things alyssa and i go through together...

My family came at 1945 to pick me from velocity to Katong..for a family dinner with gramps! I miss them so much!!! Has been more than a mth since i last saw them! =) I hugged my grandfather when he came out to his garden to welcome us. He was in his usual comfortable white singlet and blue drawstring pants. HOW GRANDFATHERLY! =) I told him i missed him so much and he replied "I miss you too!" so heartwarming....*melts* Greeted everyone present..and had dinner. Chatted with my 90's cousins..And cos my older bro was sleeping and didn't join us, i was the only 80's. =/ Nvm, i embraced that seniority! Then i started hugging my fat overly-round cousin Bryan. He's primary 4 now and weighs the same as me! yea, 50kg! haha, i don't mind revealing my weight. ya, anyway! that caused a series of hugging and we all decided to hug our super young(mentally) aunt...she freaked out and ran from the 2nd storey to the 1st..out of the house and into the garden! haha. but still, we caught her.. and admired the moon..k no link. we happened to look into the sky and the moon looked magnificent. with very defined moonbeams..Magical!*

Somehow, we digressed and we talked her into buying KFC for supper. YAY! We don't normally have suppers..The last time we had was....after bowling at 3am.that was sept last year? yea.. So somehow i felt that sunday was a really good day and i enjoyed myself thoroughly. until it's 7am now and i can't seem to let go of sunday's memories.. I still wish to have myself in the realm of sunday-ness. LOL. Oh ya, before we left my grandpapa gave me something which he folded. Very thoughtful. And he always does it so discretely...But that shall be a secret between me and him. hahaha. =) I love my grandparents! I love my family. I love my friends. And i love you! hahahaha..YAY! I'm so blessed! I shall go bathe and rest my oogly brain. HAH!

hmm, not much has happened since last friday. still lingering is the elation of my attendance..i'm going for classes tomorrow too. =) hopefully this thrust doesn't die out before semester ends.
MY HEAD'S HIGH IN THE CLOUDS!

How's everyone doing? Oh yea, I made up my mind about something and i'm quite happy about it. I mean, instead of avoiding it, i'm finally taking a shot and somehow i feel that a load's off me.
Just see how things go..Just hope he won't blame me for it.
=)
And i'm sorry too if i haven't been very spontaneous in reciprocating. I'm not like that. Give me some time.. Or maybe you would like to know the backgrounder. It's strange since we did not start out how it should have. And thus, missed out on the foundations. Tell me I'm not the only one who is feeling like that. You even asked me what are my hobbies.. Says alot about the fundamentals of our relationship. I'm not saying I know alot about you..Cos frankly I don't..But just wanna highlight to you about where this is going...

Yup. And i do love the idea of kissing in the rain. Okay, that's random. But yea. Just had to spit it out...somewhere...

I am so glad I attended the 10am lecture today! It was a guest lecture by our dean, Venka on a very intriguing topic "Photography and the Ordinary". Thought he did a very insightful approach to photographs, the aesthetization of it, versus consumerist ideologies, ethical issues, fantasies, the perceiving of oneself, et cetera. I'm super happy I went for Sheow Tong's 10am-12nn class. hahaa, i think i mentioned that already..

I feel very accomplished somehow..

Cause I haven't been able to wake up for 10am lectures, I thought 1 good way would be not to sleep on thursday night. GRINS! How can one be unable to wake up when she has not even fallen asleep? genius

On top of that I did Jeffrey's museum summary. Draft a few ideas on the Report Writing. And sketched some drawings for the marketing project's postcard and poster. Still long way to go.. But yea, it'll soon be over.

Achievement of the week (wk 11): Full attendance for every lesson held.

Goal for next week (wk 12): Full attendance again. (will be more difficult cause 2 lessons were cancelled in week 11 =P)*anyway, i think French films ROCKKKKK!!!! the above picture is a film called French Revolution. But I doubt it'll be shown in sg..it's in NY! =( it deals with amoral themes, but who gives a s***, just practise self-censorship!

the art of magic. foreign films. arts and censorship. tools, brushes, glues and their maintenance. museums. anaphasa technical rider.
ok, someone tell me to breathe!

oh, no...wait---teach me to breathe!

I so can't wait for the holidays to come!

I'd like to see what is the difference between a friend and a dunno-what.

Had a long msn conversation with amanda and she said that I have this HUGE impenetrable facade, cover thing. Which is true...I don't even know whether I'm being true to myself. Who am I? I don't expect people to understand me. But I don't want to be misunderstood.

I wish to be happy. But I don't believe in eternal happiness.

I yearn to be loved. But I know true love does not exist.

I love to be by myself. But I hate to be alone.

I used to think I don't matter anymore. But I AM matter.

I don't care what people think.

As long as my loved ones live. I think I can be alive too. =)

This is me.

Can you understand?

This is me.

Are you sure you wanna be with me?

That is you?

I don't understand.

That is you?

I don't wanna be with you.

=(